So, I’ve been cleaning my room this evening, as every good citizen ought to do, occasionally (and some more than most, if they’re of a generally untidy mien). Turns out, it’s way tiring. How is it that I have so much stuff? And so much stuff which is just “stuff”?
Why did my mothe-... I mean Santa Claus... feel that I should be given a mint condition 2008 dollar coin – “Sure to appreciate in value!”- in my stocking this past Christmas? And what’s to be done with it now?
Why did I put up, for so long, with having SO MANY power cords underfoot at my desk? Why did this still include 2 external disk drives (obsolete), 2 chargers for my old mobile, and the charger for my camera, which I haven’t seen since over a year ago? Where the hell is my camera, anyway?
What does it say about me that I’m so tired after tidying only: shoes, beside my desk chair, the area in my cupboard with scarves in it, and my jewellery shelf? That I’m lazy or that I’ve hit my lifetime accessory quota and will soon have to seek help, never to be allowed to buy another earring? Why, if I have so obscenely many earrings, can I never find ones that are quite what I’m after (maybe because they’re buried under a pile of miscellaneous earrings, who can say)?
Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to put some kind of menu button on this keyboard where the Delete key used to be?
Why does this version of Word not allow me to Customize Keyboard Shortcuts? I spelled customised the way they liked and everything! What the hell happened to “File”, “Edit”, “View”, “Paragraph”, “Tools” and “Help”? If the software designers are so aware that this is infuriating that “no, you can’t have the old kind back, tough bikkies” is in the FAQ, why don’t they just make it an option?
Back to the room, why would you design a shoe rack with bars so widely spaced that the heels on ladies’ shoes fall through when you put them on it?
Where is the correct place to store a dressing gown which is often damp from being worn fresh out of the shower?
Can I bring myself to throw out those old mascaras that are a bit past it now, but not empty, and which were pretty expensive when I bought them? Why do I own so much Estee Lauder makeup when I’m a student who doesn’t bother to wear makeup on a daily basis?
How can people who do wear makeup on a daily basis bear it? Doesn’t it get awfully tiring and dull? And bad for the pores, or something?
Why on earth would anyone ever design a room with only one powerpoint, and that single, so that without powerboards and double adaptors I could either have a radio or a light or a computer (with no externally powered plug-in things) or a centrally powered alarm clock or an electric blanket or a phone charger, but never more than one? Would it make me a better person to have pursued such an option rather than having 2 powerboards running from the one plug?
Why do I own so many corsets, fascinators, outrageous hats, hair feather ornament things and petticoats? Is it possible that when I’m in shops I forget what life I actually lead and get myself confused with movie people? Do I, on some subconscious level, think that by buying the accoutrements for a life of adventure, I’ll somehow get one, and become a Secret Agent, or similar? (This is a distressingly convincing explanation).
Should the full stop go inside or outside the parentheses when the whole sentence is in the brackets?
When will I face the fact that the longer I sit here writing this crud, the longer it will be before I’ll be able to excavate my bed in order to sleep on it?
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3 comments:
It occurs to me that as well as being performative, clothing is actually transformative. It is my opinion that if you dressed every day as though you were going to a ball, that your self and life would be altered by it.
This is why I rarely wear fancy clothes, as I'd prefer to avoid situations in which I need to wear fancy clothes all the time.
It might be a bit weird to believe this is the case, however.
I can't wear petticoats and corsetry everyday, though! The kind of life where you do that is the life of the strumpet!
And what's wrong with that, eh?
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