Friday, June 15, 2012

"Someone with cancer just wants one thing"

You know those statuses people post on facebook, or email or whatever, which say things like "We all wish to have a new car...new phone...to lose weight...a person who has cancer only wants one thing...to fight their cancer...I know that 97% of you guys won't put this on your wall...but 3% of my friends will...Put it on your wall in honor of someone who died from cancer or who's fighting…"? Sure you do, you've seen them, or things like them, and to them I say: Bollocks.

So first of all, and this goes for ALL that sort of emoticionally manipulative stuff; shut up. Don't try to sucker people with a picture of an injured kid and "Like if she's BEAUTIFUL" or "Like if you love people" or "Like if you hate racism" (and I guess presumably that there must somewhere be ones which say "Like if racism seems like a sensible thing to you" or "Like if you think immigrants are ruining Australia and should be sent home in leaky boats" or whatever. I imagine hateful people are probably not any less annoying than the ones who mean well). I mean, it's all clearly stupid, no-one thinks that liking those things makes any difference, surely? They're like a virus (not a computer virus, I mean actual viruses) the only thing they can do is spread themselves, and maybe make people feel a bit manipulated on the way past.

Also, (and I'll get to the real problem eventually, honest); dude. You've got to learn to use some kind of punctuation other than ellipses (...), get some commas! Get a full stop occasionally! This makes me want to shake people.

Next up; what do you mean "post it on your wall in honor of someone who died from cancer or who's fighting" exactly? How is it an honour to be listed on the same page as all the "I've lost my phone, goddamn!" posts and the "LOL I was sooooo hungover this weekend" and the "Carn the blues" posts or whatever? It is seriously like the smallest honour you could possibly accord someone. Maybe if you are remembering someone, you could just remember them? Or write "I miss my Nan, she had cancer and also was great" (actually, mine did, and was, so there). Someone who's "fighting" (and I've written posts before about this thing where people have to be "fighters" if they get cancer, and only the "weak" die or whatever. This is what it means when you say "Kylie has been diagnosed with breast cancer but she'll be ok, she's strong, she's a fighter, she'll beat this") would maybe be more appreciative of a personal message, or a visit, or a cup of coffee, or you not constantly carrying on sanctimoniously about their disease when they're just trying to take their mind off it by looking at facebook?

It actually says "I know that 97% of you guys won't put this on your wall...but 3% of my friends will". Which is obviously made up, as far as the numbers go, but otherwise, what are they saying here? That most poeple are bad people who hate cancerous people, love disease, and refuse to do their bit to fight it by reposting? That most people won't, so that if you do you can feel even more virtuous? Or that they KNOW it's a ridiculous irritating thing that most people don't want to perpetuate? I mean honestly.

Mostly, though, speaking as someone who's pretty likely to have cancer at some point in my life: sod off. If I have cancer, that doesn't suddenly become the only thing in my life. Like, yes, it's big, but it doesn't stop me wanting a car that doesn't leak or a house that's big enough for my family. It might stop me wanting to lose weight, but doubtless only because I'll probably lose weight because of the cancer or the chemo, which will be a lot less pleasant than I'd've been hoping for weight-loss to be. If I have to go on steroids (and a lot of people do) then the side effects may well cause me to gain weight, and yes, in that case, I totally plan to resent it and want to lose weight. This is the sort of thing which people who have cancer actually say. They're annoyed by the fact that it messes with their life, so they might well want to lose weight, want a new car or house(especially if treatment is expensive, so suddenly they can't afford the one they were saving for), or phone, so they can play games and talk to people while they're stuck in hospital for hours and hours.

Cancer sucks, and it can probably take over your life in a big and horrible way, but that doesn't mean that that's suddenly the defining characteristic of you as a person. Just like people tend to assume that when someone is gay, or a member of an ethnic minority, or has a religious affiliation which is not the dominant one in our society, or is disabled in some way, or short-statured or whatever, are defined by that characteristic. You know, "I had lunch with my gay friend Jake" or "Bella, you know, the black girl" or being delighted that Peter Dinklage has finally gotten a good role despite his dwarfism but only ever thinking of him in terms of his height and smallness. It's outrageously small-minded to think that any one characteristic can totally define someone as a person, and dictate their every hope and dream.

And it must be especially bizarre if the thing which is your new entire personhood is cancer, because it's be totally new. If you tell someone you've got cancer, that suddenly becomes, apparently, the most important thing about you, which must be really unspeakably odd if you're used to people only narrowly categorising you because of being a woman, or being overweight, or being blonde, or whatever. This totally sucks. If you've been diagnosed with a nasty and scary disease, the last thing you need is to also have to contend with people being weirdly prejudiced about you all of a sudden, even if they're trying to be prejudiced for you, rather than against you. I bet it's pretty damn difficult to get a job, though, if your potential employers know you have cancer, I bet there's pleny of "against" too. I imagine it scares off the HR middle-management evn faster than announcing plans to get pregnant in the next year or so. Folk who've got cancer really don't need "that's all there is to you" from some dude they haven't seen since highschool, or a well-meaning aunt, or any other facebook friends, if they're also dealing with that sort of thing.

Lastly, this thing where, as a culture, we seem to believe that cancer is a death sentence, one that can be evaded by "strength" and "battling" but which will always become the most defining characteristic of your life is just wrong. Yes, a lot of people get these diseases, and die of it, but not because of being "weak". A lot of people also get cancer and then have a small procedure and are essentially cured. To imply that the only thing they could possibly want in their life is not to die of cancer is insulting to everyone involved.

No comments: