An introspective post: full of contradictions

So, I was asked yesterday what I thought my worst trait was. At the time I failed to come up with anything (not out of supreme arrogance, [solely] but rather complete lack of inspiration, and a feeling that this line of thought went nowhere fun), but I've been wondering today. Apart from inability to answer such questions with satisfactory rapididty, what is there? Probably my unpredicatable temper, linked to my tendency to get ridiculously stressed about trivial things. (1,500 words about a terrible day that wasn't really all that bad, anyone?).

Possibly the reason I'm writing this is because of the latin exam I have tomorrow. Perhaps should add chronic ... dammit, what's the word, begins with a p... I keep thinking propagandisation, but actually it's....procrastination! Yes. Procrastination. And possibly failure to edit out the texual equivalents of "um" from these posts.

I'm probably too confident, and instead of balancing that with a smooth mix of humility, I have sudden unexpected patches of shyness and bashfulness. I don't know how to plan to meet people. (yeah, sorry Tim, I'll work on that)

And my desk is always a mess. Although I just cleaned mine off for the first time this semester. It had a surprising amount of sewing stuff on it. Who knew I needed so many needles? The kinds with eyes, not the syringe variety.

Hmmm... which leads me to my possibly excessively concrete worldview. That's possibly bad.

I am against drugs. Both illicit drugs and cigarettes, and alcohol in excessive quantities, although I'm not a teetotaller. I've never tried any of those drugs which I say I'm against, so maybe I'm judging without knowing, but equally, if I had, I'd be a hypocrite. I'm not going to.
I'm not going to gamble my future on something like that. What if I really liked them?
I have an addictive personality, I think. I can barely afford to support my caffeine habit. Do you have any idea how expensive cigarettes are?

And don't even get me started on drugs which you inject [I know you haven't, and this is just me soliloquizing, so sorry if you're yelling "no, not this a-sodding-gain!" at your computers right now]. But how dumb do you need to be? First off, I have serious doubts about my ability to hit vein, and intramuscular injections hurt for days. Secondly, damn near anything injected into a vein will kill you, even what you think you've paid for, if you get the dose wrong. And who's to say that's what it'll even be?
Detergent is cheaper than heroin, and who are you entrusting your life to? A drug dealer? A professional criminal, in fact?
I know they have a vested interest in keeping you alive, but it wouldn't be the first time.

Crime is bad, police are good, but I have no problem with burning CDs. Although I would find it very hard to forgive shoplifting, of a CD for instance. I'm not sure what the difference is, but there you go.

I don't like tattoos. At all. They always age badly, and you need to allow yourself room to change/grow/mature. Sure celtic knots and chinese symbols are hot right now, but don't you feel for those people who got swastika tattoos back when they were a symbol of peaceful religion and so on, when they first saw Hitler's hakenkreuz?

I love the sea, especially swimming in a really big, potentially life-threatening surf (because I'm dim and over-confident. Damn near drowned this summer, in a rip. Was v. exciting). Conversely, there isn't enough money in the world to get me to bungee jump, or skydive, or similar. And I hate those fairground wonderland-style rides that are all about scaring you and making you want to throw up. I absolutely fail to see the appeal of the slingshot thing.

I hate homophobia. Really. I mean for heaven's sake, what does it cost you? Don't give me that "unnatural" crap. Bonobo monkeys, humans' nearest relatives, are universally bisexual. And against religion? Sodom and Gomorrah? Eating meat on a Friday used to be punishable by stoning. Having affairs is against a commandment, and adulterers aren't discriminated against to nearly the same level.

Ridiculously, after all this, I'm not a fan of real conviction. (not in the legal sense, although I'm against the death sentence: people make mistakes) People who really really believe in something with a passion sort of annoy me [yeah, hypocritical again, I know]. This goes for religion, politics, you name it. Have the urge to tell activists to chill out. Should perhaps personally chill out?

I am not religious. Not in a "gee, I dunno.... sin seems bad, I guess, but I just don't want to commit to the one belief-set, y'know?" way, but in more your solid faith atheist way. There's no point in tryiong to convert me. In much the same way that trying to convert a muslim or buddhist is out of line. I have no faith. I don't believe in God, Santa Claus, or any other magical/magical-equivalent beings, benevolent or otherwise. I have no problem with you believing in them. I respect your ability to do so. I'd quite like to believe in a greater benevolent power, but I don't. Same as Santa Claus and magic.

Actually, and here I'll go a little Dogma, I vividly remember when I lost my faith. I was somewhere between 5 and 7. I was in the kitchen. I'd lost a tooth, and asked my mother whether the tooth fairy existed. She assented/hedged. I demanded to be told the truth. She admitted that there was no tooth fairy. And just then I realised. There was no tooth fairy. There was no Easter Bunny. There was no Santa. There was no magic. There was no God or angels. There was just reality. I cried for about half an hour. How adorably sad. *sigh*

Maybe it would've been nice to hang on to an illusion or two, but so it goes, I guess. Did try to be religious at school (was a religious school, after all), but found myself unable to really believe it. Did try, honest. Was disappointed when failed.
Feel vaguely jealous of people who are comforted by their faith, but irritated when they try and talk me into it. Is rather like being out at a bar or something with friends, when all of them have adoring but invisible boyfriends, but you don't. You don't believe it, but you can see that it would be nice to. If that makes any sense as an analogy. [Feel however that am comfortable with own company, and enjoy being by myself. Also v. much love my friends. Just to clarify that this is only an analogy.]

What else? I never knowingly betray a secret. Ever. If told something in confidence, I do not tell anyone else. This doesn't hold for things which I am not told in confidence. I do [I hate the word 'gossip', but...] gossip. So I'm happy to go home and disect a party or whatever, I hav no objections to taking about people who aren't there. Mainly because what else is there to talk about but people?

So what does that make me? A brave coward, a staunchly faithful atheist, a hypocritically law-abiding committer of very petty crime and a strong believer in not believing things too strongly.

Ah, adolescence. It's a good thing I'm writing this down, I turn 20 in 2 months, I won't know everything for very long.

Oh well, at least I have a [very] little insight, a sense of irony, and the ability to laugh at myself. There's hope for me yet, I guess.